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  Hanna sits up. “Also, being carefree is the key.”

  “There are kids that people deal with in every school. You would also meet them at Winchers. Just ignore them,” Charlie says. “Not that you would have to see them anyway. Sometimes, they rile up the newcomers. I’m just informing you so that you know to ignore them if they approach you.” He goes back to looking down at his book again. It makes me a bit worried that I could be fresh bait for some jerk. Hanna throws another pillow at Charlie’s head, but this time he catches it before it hits target.

  “Charles, please do not make our school sound too bad! You are going to scare her away. Poor thing is probably already nervous enough.”

  I laugh, but it is true; I am in fact very nervous.

  CHAPTER FIVE

  I’ve spent close to five hours at Leah’s, and it is much better than I would have thought. I can almost forget about what everything that is happening lately in my life, which is what I was aiming for—distracting myself. However, the thing is, I do not want them or anyone to pity me into hanging out with them because I have no friends that I know of. And I do not want to feel as if I am annoying them either. Maybe I should stop being so paranoid and just see how things go.

  When I feel like I have spent enough time with them, I thank them for their company and hospitality, and then I say my goodbyes and tell them that I will be seeing them again.

  Leah sees me to the door.

  “I enjoyed hanging out with you,” I tell her.

  “My pleasure. We’ll be seeing you again.”

  She hugs me quite unexpectedly, then says goodbye, and I find my way home.

  I open the front door to see Hazel watching TV.

  “Welcome. I hope you had fun?”

  “Yeah, it wasn’t bad, considering we only just met. It was not as awkward as I thought. I also met her two friends, Hanna and Charlie, fraternal twins who also go to the same school.”

  “That’s good, Cait. You know you do not have to start school next semester, right? You can go when you are ready.”

  “I know, but it feels right.” Making new friends that go to the same school has made me look forward to school.

  “Good, good. Tyler said he’s picking up dinner,” Hazel says.

  “Sounds great.” I walk into the dining area and see that she has set the table up. “We have all these boxes that need unpacking, but one of the first boxes I opened was some kitchen things—lucky find.”

  She walks towards the dining room and grabs some glasses from the cupboard.

  The door opens, and Tyler walks in.

  “Hey girls, I brought dinner.” Dinner turns out to be already cooked food in takeout bags. But then, what was I expecting?

  “Welcome back,” Hazel and I chorus.

  Soon, Hazel has the food dished out, and we sit down to eat.

  “So, Ty how was work?” Hazel asks.

  “Work’s okay.” He concentrates on his food as if that is the only thing that matters. Obviously, he is trying to avoid small talk. That is what he has been like for a while now. Hazel understands that he wants to be left alone, so she does just that and turns to me.

  “Caitlyn, you know you do not have to help us with unpacking the rest of the boxes. Thank you for trying to help, but you shouldn’t. You need your strength.” Hazel takes a sip from her drink, “Plus you can’t lift many heavy things. Not just yet.”

  “But I want to. I’ve had my rest long enough. I’ll just lift the light things. Then we can get them out of the way quicker. My room is too empty for comfort. I was kind of hoping to unpack my stuff soon,” I say. “I see that you’ve helped me hang my clothes.”

  “Alright, then. Yeah, no biggie.” Hazel gives me a smile.

  CHAPTER SIX

  June 1995

  It’s our last semester, and one more game has just been held. It’s the last Faders match of the season. Noah’s team won, and his friends threw a victory party at one of their buddies Jason Brooke’s house.

  Let’s just say things got a little out of hand. There was loud music, drinking, drugs, cigarettes flicked everywhere. Things were being thrown around, including people. Noah and I stayed close talking to each other the whole time, drinking and smoking whatever wasted Jason kept passing to us.

  Later that night, I found myself passed out on top of a pile of people. I remember seeing Deserae going upstairs with Jason. They were kissing each other. What is Deserae doing with that silly boy? He probably invited her here. I’ve seen him talking to her a few times in school.

  More weeks have passed, and like Dr. Allisus promised, my memories are returning, though in little slow bits. Today is my third session with Dr. Salesberg, the therapist I was referred to by Dr. Allisus. At first, I did not think that I would be able to talk to a complete stranger. I sincerely thought that the whole idea of therapy was pointless. In fact, I was what you would call uncool the first two times, especially as I was having a hard time remembering things. But Dr. Salesberg has been patient and understanding, never rushing me and allowing me to go at my own pace.

  Thanks to her understanding, I have now come to a change of mind. Therapy is helpful. It is nice to be able to talk to someone about everything that has happened and is still happening. I am able to vent and let it all out without having to worry about an upsetting reaction or judgmental words. At home, Tyler barely speaks during the time he is around, which is less often, and Hazel looks as if she could break down any second. I must be gentle with that one. I do not want any more pity from anyone, neither do I want anyone blaming me for how they feel. To me, figuring out answers to the questions I constantly bottle up inside my head is far more important than any insecure apology.

  Tyler always drives me to Dr. Salesberg’s for my sessions. He still has not said who lent him the car, stating only that it belongs to a buddy. He stops in front of her clinic and kisses me briefly on the cheek, then waits for me to get out before speeding away. I will take the bus home on my way back.

  I walk up to the porch and ring the doorbell. Dr. Salesberg answers the door and flashes me her signature sweet smile. She is a petite brunette with dark flashing eyes and a solid build.

  “Caitlyn, do come in,” Dr. Salesberg says, ushering me inside and closing the door behind me. She leads me to the therapy room, and like the past three times, she says, “Please, take a seat.” I sit down on the couch, a very comfortable piece of furniture, resting my head on the cylindrical cushion.

  “How are we this afternoon?”

  “Same as usual, I guess. Still somewhat numb, but hopefully getting better.”

  Dr. Salesberg sits on her chair, turning the pages of her notepad. “Given the circumstances, that’s understandable.”

  I question what’s written about me and what’s in that file.

  “We will get to that soon enough,” she says. “Where were we? Okay. Last session you were discussing how you cannot identify all but your family members, that is, your siblings and your aunt. Can you expand on that?”

  “Yes. When Tyler first walked into the room when I had just woken up in hospital, I did not even recognize him. It was as if I had almost forgotten who he was until I was reminded. Same thing happened with Hazel, and my aunt and her family too.”

  “What were you feeling when you realized you did not recognize him?”

  “I felt confused and panicky . . . I was afraid. Many feelings rushed by while I was awake during my stay there.”

  “What about yourself? Did you know who you were, what you were like before the accident?”

  “No . . . it’s just like all of my teenage years were erased from my mind.”

  “Hmm, I see. Your teenage years. What was your childhood like then, how far can your memory go back?”

  “The youngest moment I have of myself is when I was four years old. My childhood memories are kind of m
ixed up. I do not know what is real and what is imagined.”

  “Was there a time you and your siblings began noticing anything out of the ordinary?”

  “Yes. A few times. Hazel being the oldest, seemed to always be very mature for her age. She knew the most out of all of us and was also the one to explain everything later on. It is not easy being the youngest; I did not have as much information as them. Especially about my parents. Right now, I am feeling the same way I did when I was three. Confused and totally blank.”

  “What about your father?”

  “What about him?”

  “How much do you remember?”

  “Well, mainly his face. My image of him is awfully blurry. I wish I could remember him as clearly as I remember Mom...”

  “And your mother? Let us talk about her.”

  “Alright. For some reason, I can remember her perfectly clear, every detail. She was very beautiful. She reminds me of that one girl who you envy throughout high school because you wish you could be her. She was that girl.”

  What I just said brings a smile to my face. Not a smile from nervousness or confusion, but a genuine smile. That is how Mom always made people feel. Somehow, I knew. I had felt it with her. Mom made people feel.

  “See, this is good, Caitlyn. You can recall certain things from the past. Keep digging through the files that are hidden in your mind. We can get through this. You can get through this. Just remember that you are never alone. I know it may seem difficult to believe when you are in this mental state, but others in your life are also affected by this. You have no idea. At the end of the day, we all struggle. All that matters is how you choose to go about this. Now that we have talked a third time, you have begun opening up more, which is a well-earned step. Shall I confirm our scheduled appointments for every Thursday afternoon?”

  “Yeah, I’d like that,” I say.

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  March 1996

  Today is a week before my eighteenth birthday. I’m not very happy. I woke up one morning two months ago, feeling nauseated. I’ve stayed at home missing out on school for quite some time. My sister Deserae has been covering up for me because Mom and Dad go to work. They do not know that their daughter has stopped going to school.

  It all started when I started noticing while in school that something was going on with my body. I found myself eating more than normal and falling asleep almost all the time. Concentrating during classes became a near impossibility. It became a problem for me, and I started gaining weight. Everyone in the cheer squad was dieting while I kept gaining weight. Somehow word got out and there were rumors going around that I was pregnant. A couple of plus signs on pee sticks later, in the privacy of my bathroom, and it turned out the rumors were true. My fellow cheerleaders have turned me into a topic for discussion. I have decided to leave the cheer squad. It would not do to add disloyal friends to the list of my worries.

  I didn’t want to tell my family, especially my dad. In the end, mother noticed my abdomen getting round. I had wanted to get rid of it but did not know how, and while I was thinking of what to do, the cat was let out the bag. Mom cried and called me a disappointment. Dad slapped me across the face demanding that I leave his house, which gave me no choice but to pack my belongings into two bags and leave my family.

  I have moved in with Noah. I had nowhere else to go and had to tell him. His dad has been told about the pregnancy. Unlike my dad, he has been supportive. He has worked more jobs, trying hard to support Noah and I and looking forward to being a grandfather. The same goes for Noah’s little sister Mary; she is always helping out as much as she can.

  I like therapy. That sounds kind of odd, but I have no one else to talk to. Has it made me feel better? No. Considering I’m still feeling mostly blank, I do not think anything will. I’m glad that I can talk about it with someone though, no matter that it is on a professional basis.

  Though night has fallen, I am not tired even one bit. I have done nothing except stare at the fairy lights hanging in my room for the past hour. Hazel helped me this morning find some of my bedroom stuff: a bunch of lights and more posters so far. Tyler helped hang the lights. My headaches are not as bad now, which is a positive thing. I think this is mainly because I have started moving around more. For example, I go on short walks now . . . to the fridge, to the living room. Who am I kidding? I have been eating like an animal lately. But then, I do not blame myself; I have barely eaten anything in the few weeks since the hospital. My appetite is a little overwhelmed I guess.

  Seriously, at first, I thought that I was going to need that wheelchair for much longer. That was how tired and dizzy I was at first. I should go to bed and get rest, but I feel this need to go out and explore. A tugging to roam around free. I crave the thrill that adrenaline gives from doing something not often done. Running away from my problems is not what I want to do. All I ask for now is to experience a normal teenage life like the others. I want to make up for whatever I missed in the past, especially since I cannot remember all of it. I want to live.

  I am going to open this box in my room when I have time, and feel ready. It is so weird going through my stuff. It is like going through someone else’s things, and really, I do not think that I am looking forward to that. You know what? Fuck this! Let’s get to it this instant!

  I open the box. Hmm, what do have we here? A packet of cigarettes, lighter, cassette tapes, interesting . . . a Walkman, a locket, whose? . . . some sort of rope-type bracelet . . . I cannot remember having this and a journal . . . a diary more like. God dammit! The blasted thing is locked. And with a code for that matter. How the hell am I supposed to know what the pin code is? Okay, we’ll get back to that later. There are corals and seashells, a watch . . . looks like it’s gold . . . nice jewelry, two lipsticks, red and pink . . . hmmm. I have to take a break. The rest that’s in there are things I can look at later. Right now, I just want to go get food. Hopefully, I won’t wake Hazel up. Girl has got ears like a bat.

  Wait! Hold on! What’s that sound? A car from outside is making a lot of noise. Who would be out this late? I peer through my window to see who it is. Not robbers, I hope. I do not know how safe this place is.

  Ah! It’s a car with two guys in it, but the car is stopping by our place. Hold up a sec! Is that not Tyler? Sure, it is him alright. I watch him get out of the car while the other guy waits. He’s walking to the house and suddenly looks up at my window. Shit! I duck down quickly hoping he didn’t see me.

  I hear the front door open from downstairs, and then close again in less than three minutes. That’s awfully quick for whatever he wanted to get. I leap back to the window right as they leave, curiosity burning through me. Where is he going to?

  The stridulating sound that the crickets outside are making irritates me. I let out a deep breath that I do not remember holding, and then hear another sound. There are people talking outside. I close the window, but not all the way. Just enough to hear if anything else happens, because this seems to be a very interesting night indeed.

  “Caitlyn?” a voice calls.

  I see Hanna and Charlie walking across my front yard, towards my window. Leah is nowhere to be seen, which I find odd because they are always together, at least, the few times I’ve hung out with them.

  “Hey guys,” I murmur, racking my brain to remember if we had anything lined for tonight.

  “Are you doing anything right now?” Hanna attempts to whisper.

  “No . . . what gives?”

  “You should come with us.” Charlie cuts off my question.

  “To where? In fact, never mind. Give me a minute and I’ll be out.” Finally! The chance is given to me, and I do not really even care where we’re going.

  Don’t you dare make any noise Caitlyn, I mean it. If Hazel wakes up, you will have yourself to blame. Okay, now, what am I even saying? Wait . . . never mind. Not even my thoughts make any sen
se to me.

  As I unlock the front door and open it, I see a figure looming in front of me. “Shit!” I exclaim, jumping in fright.

  “Oopsie! Don’t be scared; it’s just me,” Charlie says.

  “Gosh! Don’t do that again. I thought you were my brother!” I say, my heart which is pacing like crazy, going back to beating normally.

  He laughs softly. “C’mon. I’m sorry. Let’s get going. Leah’s here.”

  Haha! More like, the time to roam free is here.

  The three of us walk down the street to where Leah has parked her car. She knew that coming close to my house would have woken Hazel or alerted Tyler, and for her foresight, I’m grateful.

  Leah’s car is a blue Mustang convertible. It looks a little beat but then, it moves, and that’s something. We get to the car and get in. “Hey there,” Leah says. “How have you been doing?”

  “I’m as good as can be. Dying at the normal rate.”

  My new friends laugh heartily at my crude joke.

  “Seat belts, people. Let’s hit the road. Whoo-hoo!”

  And with that, Leah speeds off into the night. Since getting back from the hospital, being in a car has become weird to me.

  I keep getting this feeling in my stomach, the same feeling I had when I was leaving the hospital with my brother. I am not sure if it’s a good or a bad thing. Leah turns the steering wheel this way and that, very expertly. One hand on the steering, she fishes around the dashboard for her cigarettes and lights one. The tip glows in the dark. I never even saw what time it was before leaving, so I will be lucky if I make it home before Hazel notices I’m gone. I stare out of my side of the window. Hanna is sitting in front, so I am in the back with Charlie. I’ve never gone this far out of town before to the best of my knowledge. The furthest that I’ve been from home or Leah’s has been the therapist’s clinic or the hospital, twice for my check-ups. I am changing all of that now. I have been cooped up indoors like a chicken enough to last me a lifetime. No matter what happens, I absolutely refuse to be isolated anymore.